Xiao Mei: A Life Well Spent
by Aquatic-Idealist
Summary: This is the story of a resistance leader, of a trusted advisor, of a beauty beyond compare. It is the tale of a woman whose life straddled all three kingdoms and how, through her magnificence, she got the better of two of them. Or is it a collection of delusions by a crazy person? You decide! OC X Spoiler Warning


Xiaomei: A Life Well Spent

Or, " _The Ballad of Xiao Mei_ "

 **Chengdu, Imperial Archive of Shu Han**

Deng Ai's forces successfully entered the city of Chengdu, the capital of Shu. The nation had fallen, Liu Shan had surrendered, but now the Empire's secrets would finally be revealed.

His troops rummaged through the once forbidden archive, and as they dug through the mounds of books one of his commanders discovered a mysterious scroll.

"Commander! This scroll seems to be in pristine condition. While everything else is covered in dust it alone remains fairly clean. Considering the fact that it was buried under other documents, perhaps Master Zhuge used it frequently?"

"Thank you, Shi Zhuan." Deng Ai smiled. "It would be good to examine this."

"I'd be careful with it if I were you, Shizai. If Prime Minister Sima Zhao gets wind that you are in posession of one of Zhuge Liang's favored scrolls, he may attempt to seize it from you and give you endless trouble." Sima Wang, Deng Ai's advisor, pointed out.

"Your cousin is indeed a nuisance." Deng Ai shook his head. "But maybe we can read this first before handing it over to our superiors."

And thus, Deng Ai and Sima Wang opened the scroll and began to read.

They were greeted first by a strange title:

 _Xiaomei: An Autobiography for Idle People_

"Idle people?" Sima Wang parroted after Deng Ai read the title.

Shizai ignored him and continued.

 _My name is Ling Xiao Mei. I was born in the great city of Jiangxia in the year 199. My father would tell tales of the Yellow Turban Rebellion to me as a young girl, and unlike other peasant girls I found that father insisted that I learn how to read and write._

 _But somehow there were people who objected to this state of affairs._

 _When Liu Biao assumed command over the region, his lackey Huang Zu became govenror of Jiangxia. Those men forced taxation on us, while providing minimal security and protection. Bandits roamed the east Jing region, while Liu Biao's capital at Xiang Yang remained fairly safe and secure._

 _These bastards thought we would take this lying down! They thought that we would eagerly accept any ruler as long as that ruler kept us farmers in line!_

 _But we proved them wrong._

 _We took to the streets, all fifty of us. We clamored and caused havoc and refused to pay our taxes. Huang Zu's men trembled before our might!_

 _But time seems to fly when you're a revolutionary._

 _Before we knew it, I grew from an incredibly young girl who joined the resistance to a young girl of only eight years of age whose hometown fell under Liu Bei and then Cao Cao's control. The Prime Minister's men had taken advantage of the succession crisis in Liu Biao's lands: the man failed to control the power of his in-laws, apparently, and so his eldest son Liu Qi fled to Jiangxia for a year while the rest of his lands fell under the control of his wife's clan, the Cais. Cai Mao, the leader of the clan, held power while Liu Zong, Liu Biao's second son, was their puppet ruler. Yet Cai Mao betrayed his sister, and we learned that she died alongside her son while Cai Mao surrendered to Cao Cao._

 _Liu Qi surrendered in turn to a nomadic warlord known as Liu Bei, who led a small band of loyalists who protested Cao Cao's control over the Emperor. Liu Bei took control of Jiang Xia and, after allying with the warlord Sun Quan to the southeast, defeated Cao Cao in a mighty naval battle. Yet he fled to Jingzhou immediately after that naval battle and so Cao Cao's men took over._

 _I was eight years old when Liu Qi fled to Jiangxia and subsequently surrendered to Liu Bei. Our revolutionaries considered Liu Qi to be a kind and gentle man, but a man who represented a continuation of Liu Biao's tyranny. Liu Bei was of the same general Liu surname, and so he would likely maintain Liu Biao's policies. Our people thus continued our resistance until Liu Bei was replaced by Cao Cao in 210._

 _Yet Cao Cao was not invincible! During his administration the taxes were still appallingly high, but at least there weren't any Lius left to oppress us. We dealt with Cao Cao's reign until Jiangxia was attacked, yet again, by Liu Bei's forces. Apparently they were allies with Sun Quan to the south now, and while Sun Quan remained contained in his little corner of China Liu Bei seized Yi province and came back to oppress us once again._

 _We would not tolerate the minimal security, protection, and oppressive taxation of the Lius again!_

 _But many of my colleagues had grown old. And I was fourteen when Liu Bei retook Jiangxia. I tried to rally them! I tried to remind them that Liu Biao was our enemy and that Liu Bei was just Liu Biao with a different coat of arms, but they wouldn't listen. Our rebellion had disbanded and my parents made me get married._

 _Zhang San was a rich farmer. That wasn't so rare in our precious Jiangxia, where the swampy rice paddies ensured rich harvests year after year. He was, however, dumb as an ox. My husband was concerned mostly with his own pleasures and with tending to his crops, while I continued to rally the people of Jiangxia. I told them that Liu Bei's taxes were the antithesis of freedom, that Jiang Xia wasn't destined to be taxed to oblivion. I told them that Cao Cao, at least, tried to provide us with protection before Liu Bei kicked him out. Cao Cao had hundreds of thousands of troops at his command. Liu Bei had several legions, sure, but his victories were mostly due to cleverness and deceit rather than security and strength._

 _For six more years were taxed to oblivion. For six more years Liu Bei's men ruled us. Liu Bei himself was in Chengdu, and his trusted general and apparently sworn brother Guan Yu was in Jingzhou. Even though Xiang Yang was in Lord Cao Cao's hands, Jiang Xia remained a Liu garrison. Every night I'd howl to the heavens: when would we be free of the Lius? When would the taxes stop?_

 _And that's when heaven answered my prayers!_

 _In 219, General Lu Meng of Sun Quan's army attacked Jingzhou. He took advantage of Lord Cao Cao's assault on the northern borders of Jingzhou to strike at the very capital of that region. Where Cao Cao's General Xu Huang failed, Lu Meng succeeded: Jingzhou fell to Sun Quan. Guan Yu was dead. Jiang Xia was cut off from the rest of Liu Bei's empire, and soon Sun Quan's army came for us._

 _Most of the troops that had once garrisoned Jiangxia had went to Guan Yu's aid when he was fighting Xu Huang. They served as a pitiful reinforcement, and thus when Lu Meng came for us all we had was a skeleton crew. This handful of men were cut to the last, and I cheered as I watched my hometown's liberation from the Liu's oppressive taxes. And yet, when Lu Meng came strutting into the city as if he owned the place, I went to intercept him._

 _The General was a strong man. His muscles rippled under a chisled chest as he stood before me._

 _"Hey, you!" I yelled at him._

 _His men, who were mostly as well-built as he, stopped in the middle of their march._

 _"You stand on the soil of Jiang Xia, the greatest city in China. Show some respect!"_

 _Some of his thuggish soldiers glared at me. A few of them began to crack their knuckles and stepped forth as though they would hit me, but Lu Meng did something that made all of them pause._

 _He laughed._

 _I'm sure this was his thought process: here was a young, pretty, obviously pregnant woman yelling at him and scolding him for strolling into Jiangxia with an arrogant expression. Being a typical chauvensitc man, he would obviously consider me to be silly and foolish._

 _That must have been why he laughed._

 _Yet I was undeterred._

 _"This city has changed hands over the years, that much is true, but our people remain strong and vigilant as ever. If you wish to hold sway over us, know that we will not obey and pay our taxes so lightly!"_

 _To my surprise, his actions did not fit his demeanor. He may have laughed at me, and perhaps he was too proud, but that pride did not blind his sense._

 _"Very well, milady. Please council me: I want to know how to serve this city and incorporate it into the Kingdom of Wu."_

 _I gasped. Liu Biao would never say something like that, he expected us to bow before him and let ourselves be taxed to oblivion._

 _Liu Bei was just a continuation of Liu Biao's regime._

 _And Cao Cao, the man despised by so many, simply held onto Jiangxia like he would any other territory. Our city's resources were simply there for the taking, for the Cao army's own use._

 _But here was a man of war who was actually willing to **listen**?! I was shocked and delighted._

* * *

Having spent several hours reading the text, Deng Ai and Sima Wang just turned and stared at each other.

"If she hated Shu this much, why is her autobiography in Zhuge Liang's library, and in such mint condition?" Sima Wang shook his head.

"Furthermore, according to our records Jiang Xia was Wu territory shortly after Liu Bei took Yizhou. While he did fortify Jiangling and the rest of Jingzhou, Liu Bei did allow Wu to move into Jiangxia as part of the alliance's terms." Deng Ai stroked his chin.

"If what you are saying is true, then Jiangxia would have been Wusian territory five years before she claimed that Lu Meng came to occupy it."

"Indeed. This woman must be delusional, but that shouldn't come as a surprise. Shall we read on?"

"Might as well."

* * *

 _General Lu Meng's rugged features were quite handsome and dashing._

 _But perhaps those should have been warning signs._

"Here we go again..." Sima Wang groaned.

 _For many nights we discussed the nature of the city, and how its populace was different from the many who would sit quietly and accept whatever government fate had in store for them._

 _Though I was still quite visably pregnant at this point, the General showed affection. He stroked my hair, paid close attention to my every word, and held my hand whenever I felt discomfort when the spawn my husband placed in me started to kick._

 _As we talked over several days, I found myself drawing closer and closer to him._

 _And then it happened._

 _Our lips met._

 _And I realized what was really happening._

 _My husband was a worthless fool, only good for tending crops and being a large luggage carrier, but he was my husband. If anyone knew what was happening between me and General Lu Meng, I would be ostracized. The General might have been fine: he was not from Jiang Xia, but even if he took me with him I might have to hide in his estate while he could continue to walk among the masses._

 _Not to mention the fact that I was carrying a child that was not his, a child who belonged to my actual husband who I would betray if I succumed to Lu Meng's advances._

 _Few could blame the General for falling for an exquisite woman like myself, but I could not sully my name by running away with him. If I submitted to his desires, it would be like Jiang Xia submitting to the wills of Wu._

 _I pushed him off of me and he grew angry._

 _But to his credit, he did not strke me._

 _Rather, we came to an agreement._

 _I had to leave Jiang Xia. My speeches and my great passion had brought concern to Wu's authorities. If Lu Meng had successfully 'tamed' me, perhaps Wu would not force me to leave my home nor would it be concerned with my presence in Jiang Xia. But if I remained a virtuous woman who would not be Lu Meng's concubine or even wife, Wu would have to get rid of me somehow to keep Jiang Xia pacified._

 _So, even though I had to stay faithful to my useless husband, I had to leave. Going to Wei was out of the question, as Wei was a traditional enemy of Wu and therefore my presence in Wei might inspire more uprisings against Wu. They feared that I would use my great oratory skills to inspire those civilians in Wei to spread discord amongst those in Wu no doubt._

 _Lu Meng had broken the alliance with Shu, but he seemed confident that Shu would eventually cave and accept a restored ceasefire as Wei was our mutual threat. And so arrangements were made to drive me back towards Shu._

 _Escorted by a Wu official called Zhang Wen, my husband and I were unceremoniously dropped off in Baidicheng with a few trunks of our belongings and a horse and carriage with no driver: he resigned and returned to Jiang Xia._

 _I found myself in Liu Bei's lands, at the mercy of a man who I had led a rebellion against nearly ten years earlier. My husband eventually found work in Jiangzhou, a large city with vast farmland whose local government was trying to recruit more farmers to work those fields. My husband applied, and demonstrated that he had some use._

 _The people of Jiangzhou were otherwise apathetic and foolish. They were mostly concerned with growing crops and shipping them to Hanzhong or to other territories in Shu. Their lives were simple and ignorant, a far cry from the great people of Jiang Xia. I couldn't even gather twenty, let alone dozens of followers, but at least no one from the government tried to stop me._

 _And the taxes were... Bearable, I suppose._

 _For the next few years I tried to inspire these people. There was a war between Shu and Wu, no thanks to Lu Meng's actions, and because of that war Jiangzhou saw a brief rise in profits as crops were worth slightly more. But then the war ended, Liu Bei fled to Baidicheng, and died there. His son Liu Chan took over, and Prime Minister Zhuge Liang became the de facto ruler. Liu Chan was little better than Liu Zong before him, but no one had the sense to complain._

 _By now I was slowly approaching thirty. I had two children with my ox of a husband, and thankfully that ox was getting dimmer and dimmer witted by the day. After tending to his crops he managed to spook his water oxen, and the beast trampled him to death. To my surprise, Zhuge Liang himself came to the funeral._

 _He addressed me, the widow of the deceased, with an inquiry:_

 _"I have heard that you were the leader of a group of rebels in Jiangxia?"_

 _"That is correct." I replied. I saw no reason to hide the truth from a man who had no authority over Jiang Xia._

 _"I heard that those rebellions were directed primarily at Lord Liu Biao, and that you continued them well into the administration of Lord Liu Bei."_

 _I began to sweat at this point. "Indeed..."_

 _Zhuge Liang seem to see through my fear, and chuckled. "It is rare for a woman of your youth to have such resolve."_

 _I blinked. The Prime Minister of Shu Han had the sense to appreciate my work? I quickly responded with a smile and a curtsy. "I am honored to hear you say that, my lord."_

 _There, that sort of thing softens the knees of men like him every time!_

 _And sure enough his knees were softened. He took me with him back to Chengdu, and I later accompanied him as an advisor during his campaign against the Nanmans. During that Southern Campaign, he told me to tell the people of his triumph and his glory, and I was happy to oblige. Here was a man who could truly appreciate me. A man who, unlike Lu Meng, knew exactly how to conduct himself as a man should._

 _We... We remained close and intimate for many years._

Deng Ai nearly dropped the scroll.

Sima Wang quickly covered his mouth, but he could barely contain his mirth.

"What kind of libel is this...?"

"The kind of libel that intrigued Zhuge Liang, apparently."

"That's true, this was in his library. But he couldn't have endorsed this, could he?"

"Well... I guess it would be interesting to read some girl's testimony that she fell in love with you and the two of you had a steamy affair. Of course, if your wife Chen Xin heard about such a thing..."

"Zichu, say some nonsense like that again and I'll..."

Sima Wang flinched at Deng Ai's withering glare.

"Um, very well, Shizai. Why don't we continue with this scandalous tale?"

"Well, we don't have anything else to do..."

 _And one night, Zhuge Liang came to me when we were about to embark on his Northern Campaign._

 _"Xiao Mei, I find that our relationship has been most fulfilling. You are very different from many of the ladies I have met. Not one of them personally led a resistance unit, nor would they have the courage to undergo an intimate relationship with a famed commander like Lu Meng. Even Yue Ying doesn't have that kind of courage."_

 _"You are most too kind to me, Kongming."_

 _"I... I am intrigued and inspired by you. The very core of my being is enhanced by your presence. But I must be troubling you. Perhaps you are unwilling to hear such things..." Zhuge Liang turned away from me, and I smiled at his daintiness._

" _Shhh... I placed a finger on his lips. "You are remarkable man, and I am honored to hear you say such things about me. My lord, I..." I managed to blush. "I find you to be very charming and to be the core of my existence. Come, my love, let us demonstrate how deeply we care for one another."_

 _He did not resist as I pulled him closer to me, and soon we were together on my bunk._

* * *

Deng Ai grimaced at the graphic description of their coupling.

Sima Wang was amused, initially, but eventually turned green.

"How can Zhuge Liang endorse something like this?"

"Well, it's clear that she is his ultimate admirer. I mean few people would actively state that they slept with their personal heroes, would they?" Sima Wang chuckled, but it was a nervous one, like a man who had been caught committing a crime while a police officer just so happened to walk over and notice.

"I... I have been away from Chen Xin for too long. This shouldn't affect me."

Sima Wang continued to scan the scroll.

"Well, Shizai, this only gets worse. Apparently she..."

"Don't spoil it for me." Deng Ai snatched the scroll from Sima Wang's hands. "I want to know how this ends."

 _Yes, reader, you may be shocked to learn that I am the mother of Zhuge Liang's second child._

 _Our daughter is only a few years younger than Zhuge Liang's well-known son. She remains with me, and I remain committed to the Prime Minister._

 _I live comfortably in Chengdu, a rich peasant among the masses. But I have connections and influence beyond any of those paltry souls._

 _Perhaps I am doomed to be the unofficial concubine of a man who does not want our love to be revealed._

 _But I am the lover of the Prime Minister of Shu Han himself! I have a place in Zhuge Liang's heart that Liu Bei could never have. With that, I have become greater than Liu Bei. Reader, bask in awe at my glory!_

"That's the end of it." Sima Wang muttered as Deng Ai finished reading the passage aloud.

"I wonder what could have happened to her?" The general mumbled as his scholarly friend stared at the scroll with a look of disbelief.

As the two mumbled between themselves, an old lady swept the floor nearby. She saw the palace fall and heard that Zhuge Zhan had been defeated.

Thankfully, Zhuge Ming, also known as Ling Ming, had already been married off to some rich nobleman in Jiangzhou. If Wei hoped to not cause a scene or riots among the people of Shu, they probably wouldn't harm the old lady's daughter or her husband.

While Deng Ai and Sima Wang continued to shake their heads at her autobiography in disbelief, Xiao Mei scoffed.

"Young people these days, they don't appreciate their elders anymore." She groaned, tightened her grip on her broom, and made a point to go sweep somewhere else. "Well, I'd better keep this place clean for _his_ sake. It wouldn't do to let Shu's palace fall into ruin even if our nation is gone. Kongming, maybe I'll see you soon..."

* * *

 **AN:** Yes, perhaps this could be seen as a side story to The Stuttering Stallion.

And no, I haven't actually seen Mystery Science Theater. I do, however, watch Chuck Sonnenburg's Sfdebris almost religiously and having spent many hours reading Tvtropes I wanted to see if I could incorporate the concept into a Dynasty Warriors fic.

And oh yeah, before I forget: Ling Xiao Mei is an Original Character. Do Not Steal! :)


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